Into The Deep

Last night was rough then I got up at 7 and haven't done anything but lay out,  try to get some sun and some clarity. Put on some uplifting music and things started to feel a little bit better.  Not great, but better and I want to believe that even small steps will get me to where I want to be even if it takes longer.

I sat on the porch today thinking about the specific things that are hurting right now and why they are.

I'm alone. I miss laughing with you. I miss who I used to be. I miss passions and goals. I miss the girl some where in me that knew life wouldn't be easy but had confidence and believed in her worth even if no one else saw it. Not everyone is going to like you. Move on.

I thought why does it hurt to be alone/lonely and whether it is something to try to never be or is it a good thing?
I think the answer is different for everyone. I hate being alone because besides inside my head, I have never been.

Maybe it has to hurt.  Maybe hurting and going full force through my grief and sadness and anger and anxiety and depression and loneliness is exactly where I need to be.

Essentially, there is really nothing to do when you are alone but to be alone . To spend time with yourself.. Relearn the things about you that you love but seemed to lose along the way.

Maybe being alone is just a beautiful bittersweet opportunity to fall in love. In love with YOURSELF again.

Knock on doors you have not before. Identify the specific things and mindsets that are detrimental to your healing and any future relationships (both with you and with others).

Maybe the pain is progress because you're moving and terrified but anything is better than being stagnant and giving up and allowing your soul to be bound and shackled to your past.

Maybe going head first into the deep darkness is the only thing you can do to cultivate self Esteem, strength, passion, empathy, forgiveness, and true honest to goodness love.

As for me,  I don't want to try and sweep my pain under the rug and fill the hole in my heart with just anything because its distracting and you can both consciously and unconsciously play the game of faux happiness but never really dealing with the problem.

Never giving in to pain to find healing.
But the hole is still there.
No way around it.

So, into the deep,  I say. Maybe this is where miracles happen.